I was talking with a friend the other day and we got on the subject of not feeling good enough about what we do, particularly our creative work, when it’s put into context with the work of other people.

I’m sure this is a pretty common experience, especially among college students who are crammed into classes together and told to perform. It always seems that no matter how hard I try, how much of my heart and soul I put into something, there is always someone else who is simply brilliant. They make it look effortless, and I wonder if there’s something wrong with me on some fundamental level.

But there’s not. There’s nothing wrong with me (a statement that is so very difficult to believe). I just have this piece of my brain that’s always comparing myself and my work with others and telling me that what I’m doing will never be as good as the other stuff out there. I have this ache to make something that other people think is cool, or says something important, or touches them in some way.

During Finals Season, this is the thought that often gets stuck in a sort of feedback loop in my brain. I have lots of papers, projects, and other random assignments taking up my attention and spreading my creative energies thin, which makes me feel that I’m unable to give my best to any of them. I’m never satisfied with the end results because I’m always seeing how they could be better.

And workshops during this time are the worst. I tend to work on things in small chunks every day. I am anything but a procrastinator. So, I’ll bring in the paper that I’ve been working on since the day it was assigned and that I put a lot of work into and I’m mildly proud of, then I’ll get paired up with the person who wrote their paper two hours before class, and there’s will seem so much better than my own.

Are they so much better? I don’t know. I know I’m hard on myself, so I can’t say whether they are or not objectively. And when you factor in the fact that paper topics have a wide spectrum, subjectivity comes into play.

That mindset is another problem in itself. Things shouldn’t have to be “better” or “worse,” and deep down I know that, but I can’t stop thinking that it’s somehow a competition to have the best idea. Ideas just are — especially in the realm of literary interpretation and all those other college assignments.

But that’s how we’re conditioned to think of things, isn’t it? Not that conditioning makes for a good excuse, since I’m obviously aware of the problems that arise from my mindset, but it’s good to keep that in mind. The mindset I have isn’t going to be one I just snap out of after 20 years of having it ingrained into my head. It’s going to take time and constant, conscious effort.